Well... I did it again. Remember last week when I told you I sat down to read Day 13 and somehow ended up on Day 21? Apparently we're making this a thing. 😂

 

This time I sat down with every intention of picking up where I left off. Just a little reading. One day at a time—like I originally planned when I started this whole journey. And then somehow Day 22 became Day 28. Oops.

 

But here's the thing... I'm not reading ahead because I'm trying to finish faster. I genuinely don't want to stop. Crazy, right? As I said, when I started this, I wasn't trying to become someone who could quote Scripture or tell you what every verse meant. I just knew something in me wanted to know God differently.

 

And this week? I think He's teaching me something I desperately need to learn:

 

Which, if you know me at all, you probably know is a slight problem. 😂 I like knowing. I like plans. I like answers. Is that something you can relate to?

 

My brain is especially talented at taking something that might happen six months from now and mentally living through all 47 possible outcomes before breakfast. So naturally...

Babies everywhere. Two sisters. Jealousy. Competition. Hurt feelings. A husband caught in the middle of it. Absolute family fiasco!!! 😂

 

But underneath all of that mess, I kept noticing something…

Leah had children, but wanted Rachel's place in Jacob's heart. Rachel had Jacob's love, but desperately wanted children. They were both looking at what the other had. And I thought...

Are we ever satisfied with what we've been given? Why are we always looking toward the next thing? More success. More money. More recognition. A different relationship. A different house. A different season of life. Just... more.

 

Poor Leah. She knew what it felt like to be overlooked. I think most of us do. Maybe we weren't chosen. Maybe someone else got the opportunity. Maybe somebody we love didn't love us the way we hoped they would. Maybe we wondered if anyone noticed us at all. But Leah reminded me that being overlooked by people doesn't mean I'm overlooked by God. Make sense? → → → He sees me. Even there.

Then I got to Genesis 31, and WHEW.

Jacob had spent years living under Laban. It wasn't necessarily good, but it was familiar. Isn't it funny how the familiar can feel safer—even when we know it isn't where we're supposed to stay? 

 

God tells Jacob to go. Except, going means heading straight toward something he's spent years fearing: Esau. Maybe obedience doesn't mean we're no longer scared. Maybe sometimes it simply means we're scared. We don't know what's waiting for us, but we're going anyway. 

 

Then Genesis 32→ Jacob wrestles with God—literally—and walks away with a limp.

That stopped me. We expect encounters with God to make us stronger, more confident, more certain. But Jacob walks away physically weaker...

 

 

His name changes. His identity changes. He changes.

Sometimes meeting God doesn't mean you walk away looking stronger. Sometimes you walk away limping... but changed. OOOF!!! Maybe growth isn't always pretty. Maybe sometimes the evidence that God is working in us is simply that we don't walk the same way anymore.

 

Apparently my anxiety needed Genesis 33 😂

 

Jacob is preparing to face Esau—the brother he betrayed, who once wanted to kill him. Then he hears Esau is coming with 400 men. Naturally, Jacob prepares for the absolute worst. Same, Jacob. Same!

 

Except when Esau arrives... he runs toward Jacob and embraces him. Jacob had prepared for war when an embrace was waiting instead. And I thought to myself, how much suffering have I put myself through over things that haven't even happened? How many conversations have I rehearsed? How many worst-case scenarios have I already lived through in my head? Fear has a funny way of turning a possibility into a fact doesn't it. Jacob didn't know what was around the corner. He only knew what he was afraid would be there. And goodness... I do that too.

 

Genesis 35 brings Jacob back to Bethel—a place from his past. But he isn't the same man anymore….. I love that!

He returns to an older place, as a changed person, leaving behind the things that don't belong in what's coming next. Essentially saying “We're not dragging all of this old stuff into where God is taking us next.”

 

And then... Joseph. Oh boy. Another family situation. 😂

Joseph has dreams that seem to point toward something important in his future. Next thing you know, his brothers throw him into a pit and sell him into slavery. 

 

From inside that pit, Joseph's story looks pretty terrible, but look here.. 

Joseph doesn't know he's in Genesis 37. He's just living it. 

 

He can't flip ahead to see how everything turns out. 

Now, THAT is where everything I read this week suddenly came together.

Not next year.
Not next month.
Not next week.

Truthfully, I don't even know what tomorrow holds. But maybe faith isn't getting to read the next chapter early- maybe it's turning the page anyway.

 

"The Lord is my shepherd." I've heard Psalm 23 so many times—mostly at funerals, if I'm being honest—so I've always associated it with death and grief. This week I heard it differently- I read “a shepherd leads.”

 

The sheep don't get the whole route beforehand. They just know who they're following and maybe that's what I'm learning. I don't need the itinerary. I just need to trust the Shepherd.

 

When reading Psalm 25 and 26, it felt like the entire reason I started this journey in the first place. Teach me. Guide me. Examine me. Check my heart. Check my motives. Show me how I'm living.

 

Definitely NOT…  God, show me what's wrong with everybody else…

 

I don't want to perform faith. I don't want to just look like a good Christian. Luke says “God isn't impressed by the performance. He sees the heart.”

 

All of it. The good, ugly, and confused parts. The parts we're still working through.

Somehow, he still wants us close. Baffled yet? Believable?

 

Look, maybe this week didn't give me answers about what's coming next. I have a feeling it gave me something better… maybe just permission to stop demanding them. I am human. (Repeat that!!) Of course I want to know what happens next. I want to peek ahead.

I want reassurance that everything I'm worried about is going to work out exactly how I hope. But is that really faith??

 

Joseph couldn't see beyond the pit. Jacob couldn't see beyond those 400 men. David couldn't always feel God near him…. yet, their current chapter wasn't their whole story.

 

Neither is mine- and neither is yours! So I'm carrying one sentence with me into whatever comes next.. I will not judge what God is doing by the chapter I am currently standing in. You don't know the ending yet. 

 

Neither do I. 

For the first time, maybe I'm starting to understand that I'm not supposed to. 

I just have to keep walking, keep turning the pages.

The next chapter will come, as I am beginning to trust the One leading me into it.

That feels good, too.

 

🤍 Kayla

 

GENESIS 29–37
Maybe this chapter isn't the whole story.

PSALMS 22–28
I don't need the whole route. I need the Shepherd.

LUKE 17–20
Less performance. More gratitude. Let Him see my heart.