it anonymous! So please be honest about what is and isn't helpful

Hi SGC,

Last Friday we talked about losing your sense of self when your sibling dies, the part of your identity that only existed in relationship to them. This week we're going deeper into one specific piece of that: what happens to your role in your family. Because for a lot of you your positioning in your family changes after this loss. 

You might be an only child now, or technically you may now be the oldest or youngest sibling when you used to be more in the middle. 

Todays email is all about giving language to this shift, and also giving you room to explore how this is impacting you and how you feel about it.

 

Families run on roles, often without anyone naming them out loud. Oldest, youngest, the responsible one, the fun one, the one parents lean on. Those roles get built over years, in relationship to everyone else in the family, especially among siblings! I think inevitably we have all been compared to our sibling at one point or another; which affirms that our identity is often formed in relation to our sibling. 

When a sibling dies, the whole structure shifts. To explain this shift I like to imagine that every family is like a mobile; kind of like this: 

When one person dies the whole mobile (or family system) is thrown off balance. You may shift closer to some people and away from others. There may be more of a feeling of chaos in the family. 
 

Sometimes the shift is purely positional: you were the middle child and now you're functionally the oldest, or you were one of three and now you're an only child, a label that can feel completely wrong for how you actually experienced your family and formation. Sometimes the shift is more functional: you become the one who checks in on your parents, the one who has to "hold it together" at holidays or host everyone; or the one people quietly expect to be fine because someone has to be. Nobody sits you down and assigns this. It just happens, often within days of the death, while you're still in shock yourself.

*Take a moment to notice any messaging you got after your siblings death that slowly communicated your new role to you. Did your parents plan nothing for the holidays- so you felt that pressure? Did everyone tell you to be strong for your parents - so you then started caretaking for them? 

Often our new role, and new expectations are communicated to us in small ways.
 

If you've resented a role you got pushed into, or felt guilty for resenting it, that's not you being ungrateful or difficult. That is you noticing the unfairness of this loss, and the unfair and sometimes disproportionate expectations placed on you in comparison with other family members. 

A role you inherit through loss is still a loss itself, even though it looks like you gained responsibility instead of losing something.

It's also common to feel like an impostor in a role that's you are expected to fill now. Being called "an only child" when you grew up with a sibling can feel like erasure, not description. None of that means you're handling this wrong. It means the label doesn't match the internal reality yet, and it may never fully match it.

Separate the role from the expectation. You might now be the oldest, or the only, but that doesn't automatically mean you owe anyone constant strength or management of everyone else's grief. Notice where "I am the oldest now" quietly turned into "so I have to fix everyone's pain,". Or a common one I hear “I'm the only living child” turns into “so I have to make my parent's dreams come true”
 

Say the mismatch out loud, even just to yourself. "I'm technically an only child now, but that doesn't make me responsible to ‘fix’ those around me, nor does it mean I am not also in pain".  Just naming this and validating it to yourself can loosen its grip.
 

Let yourself opt out of one expectation this week. Pick one thing you've been doing because you feel like you're "supposed to" now, being the one who calls to check in, the one who plans the holiday, the one who stays calm, and consciously set it down, or give yourself room to explore “how would I feel if I let myself remove this expectation”
 

Finish this sentence: "Since my sibling died, I've been expected to ___. Then take some time to notice how you FEEL about these expectations. 

If you are struggling to name how you are feeling utilize a feelings wheel…

 

Yes, but that usually takes effort on your part. 

On your own: Naming the roles you've inherited instead of just absorbing them silently gives you a bit more room to have feelings and make choices about how to interact with this new role. 

With professional support: Family systems therapy, which looks directly at how roles shift after a loss and can help name what changed instead of leaving it invisible. Grief-focused individual therapy, especially useful if guilt about resenting a new role is getting in the way of naming it honestly or letting yourself have feelings about this role. 
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Next Friday, we'll talk about more about identity changes after loss. 
 

Sending you so much care this week, 
Gretchen