Some things aren't bad. They're just heavy.

Okay- I had yet another one of those moments this week where I read something, stopped, read it again, and thought... Well shucks. That's uncomfortable. 😂

 

Hebrews 12 talks about throwing off everything that hinders us and the sin that entangles us so we can keep running the race in front of us and for some reason, I had always lumped those things together. Bad things. Sinful things. Things we obviously shouldn't be carrying.

 

Except that's not exactly what it says I don't believe.

There is sin. And then there are things that hinder us.

Meaning something doesn't necessarily have to be bad to be too heavy for me to keep carrying. And I don't know why that distinction hit me as hard as it did, but... OOF.

 

There are things in my life I still don't have answers for. There are prayers I'm still praying. Decisions I don't feel ready to make. Things I'm trying to understand. Parts of myself I'm trying to find again. And if you've been reading these letters with me, you already know there's an area of my life where I've been asking God for clarity. I'm still keeping the details of that one between me and Him.

 

But I will tell you this… I've been carrying it.

The outcome. The what-ifs. The responsibility.

The expectations. The need to understand it. The need to fix it.

The need to know whether I'm supposed to keep holding on or finally put something down.

 

Wellllll. Apparently we're going there this week. 😂

 

Apparently, I like carrying things. 😂 I don't mean physically. Hand me the heavy box and I'll probably find someone else. Emotionally though? Oh, I'll carry EVERYTHING! I'll carry the outcome. I'll carry someone else's feelings. I'll carry the responsibility of trying to make something work. I'll carry expectations. I'll carry the what ifs. I'll carry the pressure of figuring out what happens next.

 

And when something in my life feels uncertain, I don't exactly have a natural ability to just... leave it alone. I investigate, research, think, pray. I try to understand every angle. And if there's something I can fix, you better believe I'm going to try to fix it.

 

Some of that is probably a good thing. I don't think trusting God means we stop taking responsibility for our lives and wait for a handwritten note to fall out of the sky. But I think I'm starting to recognize the point where responsibility quietly turns into control.

 

There's a difference between doing what I can do and trying to control what happens after I've done it. Friend, THAT is exactly where I struggle.

 

Uncertainty feels heavy to me. There are things in my life right now that I desperately want answers for. I would love to know what six months from now looks like. Heck, I'll take next month.

 

But this week I kept coming back to something from Exodus→ I don't need tomorrow's manna today. I need what I need for today! Which sounds beautiful and peaceful until you're the one who wants tomorrow's answer. 😂

 

I've also been thinking a lot about something else… What if I don't understand something because I can't see what God can see?

 

The Israelites weren't always taken the shortest route. Sometimes God took them the long way because He knew what was ahead of them.

 

That messed with me a little. Because I tend to assume that if something is taking too long, something must be wrong.

If the answer isn't coming...

If the situation isn't changing...

If the door isn't opening...

If I'm still confused... My brain immediately wants to diagnose the problem.

Maybe I just don't have enough information to diagnose anything.

My perspective is real. 

 

Honestly, I've lived long enough now to know that some of the things I once begged to keep eventually became things I was grateful I survived losing. I've walked away from something before when I didn't want to. It hurt like absolute hell at the time. I didn't leave because I suddenly stopped caring. I left because eventually I had to admit that caring about something wasn't enough to make it healthy.

 

 

Maybe the longer route isn't punishment.

Maybe a closed door isn't always rejection.

Maybe something taking longer than I want it to, doesn't mean God isn't answering me.

And maybe wisdom isn't always knowing which door to open.

 

OOF.  I am absolutely a handle rattler. 😂

 

I think I'm slowly learning that faith and certainty are not the same thing.

And maybe I've confused them for a long time.

I thought trusting God would eventually mean feeling really sure. Sure about the decision. Sure about the direction. Sure about the person. Sure about the timing. Sure about what happens next.

 

WHAT IF thats not FAITH??

WHAT IF faith is saying “I don't know" and not immediately panicking.

 

I don't know how this turns out.  I don't know why this is taking so long. I don't know whether something I'm holding onto will still be part of my life a year from now. I don't know what God is protecting me from—or preparing me for. I just don't know.

 

And for probably the first time in my life, I'm beginning to understand that “I don't know” doesn't have to be followed by “so I need to figure it out immediately.”

 

Maybe I can just bring the mess to God. That's another thing I've learned through these 49 days. I started this journey thinking I needed to become more disciplined, more knowledgeable, more consistent... probably a little more “good.”

 

Instead, I'm learning how incredibly forgiving God is. I'm learning that I can bring Him the ugly questions. The fear. The confusion. The thoughts I'm embarrassed to admit. The places where I'm bitter. The places where I've built walls. The places where I know I need correction.

 

Being messy with God is turning out to be a whole lot better than 

trying to look perfect for Him. ❤

I don't know that I understood that 49 days ago.

So no, I don't have some big beautiful ending this week where everything suddenly makes sense. Some things in my life are still heavy. Some prayers still don't have answers.

 

I'm still learning which things are mine to carry and which ones I need to put down. I'm still learning when to keep knocking and when to stop rattling the dang handle. 😂 And I'm definitely still learning how to take today's manna without demanding tomorrow's too.

 

I still don't know which things are mine to carry and which ones I need to put down. I'm still learning when to keep knocking and when to stop rattling the dang handle. 😂 And I'm definitely still learning how to take today's manna without demanding tomorrow's too. Maybe that's what faith looks like sometimes… not finally having enough information to feel certain.

 

And right now…. I think that's enough.

Until next week, 

Kayla ❤