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Hi friend,
 
Over in the Body Liberation Blanket Fort, we're 34 members strong and having some great conversations (and sharing some amazing punny memes) already.
 
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Also, over on Instagram I'll be running Creator Month for all of November. This is a great way to find creator interviews you missed and small businesses owned by fat and other marginalized people to support for Small Business Saturday.
 
I've heard a lot from folks who are new to Discord and would like some help learning how to use it, so I'll be offering a free (donations accepted, not required) workshop on that soon. Stay tuned for details.

This week's letter:
 
As the body positivity and fat acceptance movements spread, lots of folks are dipping their toes for the first time into advocacy and activism. This is wonderful! We need every single voice to help change our fat-hating and racist culture.
 
I'm combining two similar questions today (lightly edited for anonymity and clarity):
 
Reader H. asks, "How would you stand firm in your words if someone told you fat oppression doesn’t exist?"
And reader K. writes, "I've been learning just over the past year about how to advocate better for people living in bigger bodies, how to have healthy discussions about intuitive eating and fat liberation, and how to approach situations like this with appropriate boundaries and knowledge.
As you well know, social interactions are already quite intimidating and hard sometimes being neurodivergent, but it's even harder when you're still learning and vowing to be a good ally and do your part in dismantling fatphobia and diet culture.
 
I saw an average sized woman, calling herself overweight (which is already an UGH word) and claiming that weight loss through her dieting would somehow cure her health issues. She was speaking about her current diet and I jumped in with the effort to encourage her against dieting, claiming that her overall health wasn't solely dependant on her weight, and she shouldn't deprive herself. She didn't care to hear what I had to say.
 
My only intent was to let her know that it was SOCIETY'S ingrained ideals for her, and that the medical practices make profit off the oppression of fat people and women/folx that have this inherent belief that they need to shrink or do the next diet fad to attain happiness and health.
I simply wanted her to know that she was worthy as she was, that her body was good enough, and she deserved to take up whatever space her body called for. So since reading this email of yours, I'm wondering if a different response/approach on my part would have been more beneficial or allowed for better reception on her part.
 
Was I unintentionally dismissing her feelings about her body? (Granted she was a complete stranger to me) Was I dismissing the greater scale of impact for folx in bigger bodies when I claimed that her weight wasn't the problem?"
 
Just like the advice that's given to writers of "write what you know," a lot of folks who are newly involved and enthused start with activism where they see problems around them -- but then feel like they're running into brick walls.
Dear questioners, 
 
Here's the bad news: Ultimately, you can't change hearts and minds that don't want to change.
 
Just like you probably don't want a stranger or acquaintance trying to recruit you into their multi-level marketing business or convert you to their religion, those strangers and acquaintances probably aren't interested in your take on bodies, no matter how right you may be. And body acceptance is a new, intimidating concept for a lot of people.
 
(As is, alas, not hating and fearing fatness and fat people.)
 
Here's what change requires.
Changing minds on an individual level requires three things:
  1. Some sort of existing relationship
  2. Openness to change
  3. At least a minimal level of mutual respect and trust
That’s why debating trolls in comment sections is rarely successful; you have no prior relationship with that person, they’re not interested in being open to change and they don’t like or respect you enough to listen anyway.
 
That doesn’t, of course, mean that people can’t change, or that they won’t ever change based on what they see online; people change their minds all the time based on what they read (or see other people arguing about).
 
It just means that if you’re going to do public advocacy, you’re mostly doing it for the people on the sidelines, for two reasons: it’s important that oppressive or bigoted words/actions are pushed back on, and you might convince some lurkers who are reading along, even if you never change the mind of the person you’re talking to.

The Conversation

So is there value in publicly debating about bodies and the merits of ending diet culture and weight stigma? 
 
Possibly, as long as you keep in mind that you’re doing it for the reasons above and not hoping or expecting to change the mind of the person you’re actually talking to.
 
Stay in your lane
 
A detail I left out of reader K.’s question because I wanted to discuss it separately is this: K. is white, and the stranger K. approached was Black.

 
"I stopped associating the word fat and the idea of fatness with being unattractive because I realized that not only had people been using it as a weapon against me, but I was using it as a weapon against myself. 
 
Just like my hair or my skin, my fatness is something that cannot be avoided. It contributes to my experiences in the same ways that being black or having an Afro does. 
 
Using the word fat as a weapon has always been an attempt at treating someone poorly just because they are different than you. I don't accept that. I am fat and demand to be treated as any other person with any other body type.” 
 
» Diamond Wynn
 

As white folks, not only do we hold privilege over Black folks, but Black women and femmes are subjected to body image pressures we can’t even imagine.
 
It’s never our job, our responsibility or our right to correct or question Black, indigenous or other people of color (or people with other marginalizations than ours).
 
Here’s what to keep in mind to avoid stumbling into a situation where we’re doing more harm than good:
 
Every human being has bodily autonomy.
 
Ultimately, every person should have the final say on what they put into and do with their bodies. When we approach other people from a place of correction or of knowing better than they do what’s good for their specific bodies, we’re replicating the same oppressive systems that created diet culture in the first place. 
 
When we as white folks tell Black people to stop dieting or to change their fatphobic views on bodies, there’s a power imbalance.
 
It’s fine to push back on misinformation you see, in person or online, but remember that if someone wants your opinion on their body or how they treat it, they’ll ask you.
Warmly,
Lindley
 
P.S. You can share this week's letter here. It's only possible to offer the Body Liberation Guide and all its labor for free because people like you support it. If you find value here, please contribute for as little as $1 per month. Every dollar helps.
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