The Call for CONNECTION  

 

Hi friends

 

Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate that you’re spending precious time with me.

 

How are you? Most people I know are extremely exhausted. It’s been a really ruff ride and many of us are experiencing grief or anxiety (or both!). Please take good care of your bodies, hearts, and minds.

 

 

Ok, on to the EROTIC! I want to share about my recent explorations of the sexual/spiritual connection (and the sexual/spiritual split).

 

First, if you think this is not for you, I respect that. But I hope no one dismisses their erotic potential because of a particular experience in this moment (or even this lifetime). Age, health, relationship status or sexual capacity/activity are not the determinants of the erotic — I talk about the lack of sex in my menopausal marriage in the section on the erotic in You Belong (Ciao Frederic. I love you!). Although I likely will be writing about this many times (think of this as the draft preface to an inconsistent serialization), guess what? I will not resolve our collective sexual/spiritual problems in meandering essays! I’m just here, sharing my experience.

 

Also, some of you will recognize the title as a nod to the 1990 Public Enemy masterpiece, Fear of a Black Planet (my heart aches for 19 year old Sebene, wandering the McGill campus, blasting that album in her Discman, fearing no one desired her). In this country and around the world, sex & race exist in twisted entanglements – dynamics intertwined with the disenchantment & degradation of the planet. Surprise: I will not be solving this differential equation either! I’m just one middle-aged, female, Black, immigrant earthling here, sharing her experience.

 

I have written about the erotic as part of the sensual/spiritual for years and have taught about it in classes and retreats with the emphasis that (as Audre Lorde said) the erotic is not only sexual – it requires an embodied connection to our sensual, feminine/receptive capacities. I won’t repeat those ideas. Instead I want to share about my recent explorations of the erotic as the sexual/spiritual. I told Frederic I am writing about this topic and he asked me if I feel ready. I confidently said: No! No, I do not! AND, my commitment with each newsletter is to share authentically of this moment. 

 

Yes, for a while now, I have explored reconnecting the sensual and spiritual in my life and practice. Yet it’s felt awkward, confusing, and daunting to do more than offer brief mentions of the fact that the sexual and spiritual are disconnected in and around me.

 

There are spiritual traditions that include sexual energy on the awakening path. I did not study those. The spiritual teachings with which I’ve mostly engaged are silent (pun intended), indifferent or hostile toward sex. Though I’ve never consciously bought into the blatant misogyny underneath these ideas and consider myself a feminist, sex-positive being, I know now that what unconsciously attracted me to de-sexualized spiritual lineages in the first place is an internalized devaluation of myself as a sexual being. Especially as a woman. But as bell hooks said – patriarchy has no gender. I add – patriarchy has no winners. 

 

We all suffer from de-sexualized spiritualities that disconnect us from our sacred capacity to receive and express erotic pleasure. 

 

I don’t beat myself up about any of this – patterning (personal, familial, societal) is powerful. And, to repair my sexual/spiritual split, I don’t need to suddenly become super sex lady for the sake of ecstatic experiences. I simply (simple ≠ easy) want to recognize and release any delusion that liberation does not need sex.

 

I’ve alluded to my immersion in esoteric studies these past two years (pandemoniums are good for hermetism). One of the things I appreciate about my tarot/numerology teacher’s interpretation of the Major Arcana (besides her attitude that there are no “right” interpretations) is that these 22 cards reveal a particular trajectory of the awakening path, outlined as follows:

 

 

It’s not my place to break that down any further.* But even this simple expression of the framework impacted me greatly. And... It’s not the framework. It’s me. (Spoiler: It’s always me!) Pretty much my entire adult ass life has been about finding freedom — this is not the first time I heard about the sexual as the pathway to liberation. But it’s the first time I’ve been ready to integrate this into my own practice — into a spiritual path of awakening that includes sex. 

 

This starts with my capacity to allow a deliberately erotic, embodied, sensual, receptive, and intimate knowing of myself (and the patterns that prevent this knowing). Lately, I’ve been excavating lots (LOTS) of entrenched patterns, witnessing how much they map to my limitations around pleasure. Here's a simple one: The fact that like a small child who resists sleep to the point of despair, I relentlessly seek activity when what I actually need is massive amounts more rest than I believe I require. If I were truly in touch with my sensual need (for bed!), I wouldn't be up scrolling. Or how about this: That meditation can become just another activity within this pattern. 🤯

 

Most (all?) of my patterns are relational and within the erotic is where some of my deepest relationship wounds exist. The majority (all?) of my issues out in the world, map right back to my challenges with erotic intimacy. Otherwise, why would it be so scary to venture into conversations about sex. It's literally just talking. Why don't I feel free to talk about this? As anyone who’s met me for more than 5 minutes can tell you, I loooove talking!

 

And this is what I really want to share today (I know, sheesh. Finally!!) — how incredibly challenging all this has been. How tight. How slow. How messy. How humbling. Humbling to see outmoded protection mechanisms and childish reactivities inhibit my overall liberation. Practicing spiritual awakening as connected to sexual awakening touches the most tender places within me, places filled with fear and grief. I sense how generations of ignorance, denigration and violence in my lineages (both ancestral and collective) impact my body, heart and mind today. How these patterns impact my ability to sense or understand what it is I even like, desire, and long for let alone that I communicate about it... 

 

Most of us dedicated to awakening don’t talk openly about sex because there aren’t many spaces or processes to do so at all — even less so as part of our spiritual paths. But I’ve even had a hard time engaging in the subject with the person I love and trust most in the world — someone who is also deeply committed to waking up, someone with whom I’ll talk about literally anything else. Often it’s felt impossible to communicate about my sexual challenges with Frederic without retreating into reactive patterns of shame and blame (or resentment and rigidity). That, or we settle (like many sexlow/sexless marriages – and by sexless I do not only mean not having intercourse) into periods of placid, gentle resignation, ignoring embers of erotic urges smothered beneath habits and routines. Even thinking about it makes me want to take a deep breath and give myself a hug (I just did).

 

My patterns predate my current relationship, my aging body, menopause, illness and pain. I remember the fear and confusion in the me who was listening to Public Enemy, ashamed of her primary attraction to white men while, propelled by youthful biology and plenty of Labatt Blue, she experimented sexually with boys and girls. I was very sexually active when I was younger, but I spent years engaging in sex I thought I should like, copying ideas about what a contemporary woman’s sexuality should be. It’s actually not so different from imitating spiritualities – we learn from what surrounds us, trying out what resonates. 

 

Eventually, I must cultivate a perfectly-personal practice (sexual & spiritual) by not overriding my own deepest sensing. I am currently discovering a path uniquely my own – very specific, very tender, very intimate. By allowing my senses to lead (and engaging my discerning mind & heart in the process), I’m not walking a spiritual path but walking my spiritual path.

 

Again, repairing my sexual/spiritual split isn’t only about sex and certainly not about bypassing into a heightened erotic pleasure I mistake for a true, vulnerable awakening. Repairing my sexual/spiritual split involves experimenting with my specific experiences of the sensual, releasing ingrained resistances I have around desire & connection, rediscovering joy in my body, trusting that what attracts me comes from deep knowing, finding the freest parts of myself, and expressing myself as someone with sexual needs walking her path to erotic empowerment…

 

Thanks for reading. There will be more on this soon-ish. 

 

Also, the full moon resources in two weeks are gonna be 🔥!

 

With love,

Sebene

 

* Before you reply to ask: Anna does not speak English and has no website or online presence. When she next offers a translated Tarot course in English, I will let you all know!

 

P.S. There are lots of new folx here: Welcome! Here are some recent newsletters you may have missed and can check out.