I had written about how it is only when I compare where I am, to where others are, that I feel behind and this passage explained I'm not alone.
To depict this, I told a story in last week's email where someone said, “you'll get there” to me in 2016. And how now in 2022… I still have not gotten even close to there. Bianca remembered that story because I went to her and her wife Jessie's house right after. When I told them about it, Jessie, wearing a red bath robe, gave me a pump-up talk.
What that last email missed was how during a tough moment like a rejection, failure, or even a light bummer--we need two things in order to keep going: tenacity and support.
Tenacity - a level of grit, persistence, and determination to keep moving.
Support - a system of people to boost us up when we're down.
Tenacity without support is fleeting. Jessie's pep talk kept me moving.
Even if we're okay with where we end up, disappointment stings the moment it happens. That's when we need supportive people to help replenish us.
I have a tendency to linger in the self-loathing of a disappointment, if I don't have dependable people around to prop me up.
I have a variety of friendships, some are consistent, dependable, and reliable. Others are unreliable, spontaneous, and inconsistent. It's not a judgment against either type. Some don't have the capacity to be consistent but can be hilarious and free-spirited. And vice versa. I'm fortunate to have both.
As Julia Cameron says in this, “We can sort our friends into several categories, and that it takes a bit of time to figure out precisely who would be your supportive person. A lot of times we have somebody on our list who actually undercuts us. So we find ourselves going to the wrong people for support.”
Over time I've learned to celebrate the tendencies my friends do have making me unbothered by what they're not capable of.
I reread her piece again this weekend and was reminded of a quote she included from Benjamin Taylor when asked about his close friendship with Philip Roth:
“Philip made me feel that my best self was my real self,” he said. I think that’s what happens when friendships succeed. The person is giving back to you the feelings you wish you could give to yourself. And seeing the person you wish to be in the world.”
Seeing people at their best, and helping them move closer to it, is the ideal. Alternatively, relying too much on friendships for support can cause strain or even a breakup. These complexities are something Kayleen Schaefer and I are looking to discuss further in our project on friendship breakups. (survey here!)
Kayleen is my favorite writer on the topic of friendship, her first book 2017's Text Me When You Get Home is the first book I read on the topic.
This weekend Kayleen was in LA and when we caught up over dinner, friendships were what we talked about more than any other topic.
“Would this change?” I asked her.
“Would I still prioritize and care about my friendships if I wasn't single?”
Kayleen said yes, and I know she's right.
I'm lucky because we need an abundance of supportive people outside of romantic partners, parents, and even beyond friends. Sometimes we hire people in which case it allows you to fully get the support you need.
I actually get to be that support person for people and it is one of the most enriching things I do. I've been doing it on and off since 2015, but lately it has felt especially correct. Perhaps, because we're more hungry for personal connection than we were back then?
To have the capacity to be supportive, we have to manage our own energy so we have enough to share. I see it as my responsibility to keep myself well resourced to be able to give support. And self-aware to know when I need support, some of which I get though relationships, but also from a therapist or a creative advisor. This way I don't put too much burden on any one relationship exclusively.
Creativity can be lonely, which is why I started these supportive sessions. A theme I've realized is that people are often in need of permission and encouragement. I give both… which sounds simple, but when we're feeling off--perhaps in the midst of a transition (ie. a move, career pivot, between projects, breakup etc.) we can't actually give it to ourselves because we're disconnected from ourselves. Therefore, we aren't seeing ourselves clearly. When our self-worth is low, we need to outsource our perception of ourselves to someone who cares. The way that caring person sees you will be more accurate than how you see yourself in low moments.
We are not meant to exclusively travel alone, we need dependable supportive people to prop us up when we're down, it's the only way we will keep sailing. I mentioned the famous sailor, Bernard Moitessier who forfeited winning a race to keep going around the world instead. I hope he had someone to encourage him…I'm reading his book now, I will find out.
this week's JOURNAL QUESTIONS TO PONDER …
-Where is your “there” right now?
-Who is traveling with [supporting] you?
Today is a good day to set a new there for the month since it was just a new moon.
Thank you for being here.
Announcements + my favorite episode this year so far below.
But first and most importantly, in light of last week’s tragic and senseless shooting in Uvalde, Texas, if you are a U.S. citizen, consider contacting your senator. This can be overwhelming to me and not know how to do this, so I am including this link for an easy-to-use template and submission form from Everytown. Thank you,
Katie
