Hi! I hope you had a good week. Mine was more packed with people than usual. The more social I am, the more likely I am to replay interactions with people and wonder how I'm perceived.
With some people I feel comfortable so it's easy to fully be myself, while with others I’m uncomfortable so I'm self-conscious and unable to communicate honestly. In the latter, I end up mirroring what I think the other person would want, which of course, I don’t actually know as I am not a mind reader.
I noticed myself doing this chameleon act where I was attempting to bring up anecdotes I thought the person I was talking to would find interesting. Tongue-tied and awkward, I nervously over-talked, desperate to show commonalities. In another interaction with this person, I didn’t say much at all, afraid of their disagreement or boring them.
I leave these interactions feeling depleted, deflated, and more lonely because this mirroring cuts off all actual connection.
Oppositely, when I have a conversation with someone I feel comfortable around, I’m not afraid to disagree, express earnest excitement or embarrassment. And I talk less and listen fully because I’m not distracted. I have more mental energy since I’m not using it all to consider how I’m being perceived. I leave these interactions feeling energized, filled up, and inspired because I was present and this focus allows for actual connection.
I can’t make people like me regardless of what I say or do or how I look. How another feels about me is entirely out of my control and attempting to control it requires an incredible amount of mental energy.
I was talking about this interaction with my emotionally intelligent, wise, and self-aware friend Maddie, which led to a conversation about the contrast between how we feel in certain relationship dynamics compared to others.
Maddie explained that she thinks the reason I feel uncomfortable with certain people is because of attachment styles. She explained:
- When someone has an avoidant attachment style, that person cannot relax (feel safe) or commit in a dynamic, whether it’s a friendship, relationship, whatever… until they sense the other person is relaxed.
- When someone has an anxious attachment style, they can’t relax (feel safe) until they have some sort of commitment--this doesn’t have to be anything huge, but just a simple affirmation of reciprocal feelings of some sort (speaking as this attachment style… it doesn’t take much: a plan, a text, a thank-you …can make my nervous system settle down around the person).
So when those two attachment styles come together it’s a Catch 22 at all times, creating a dynamic where you can’t actually connect because you’re just mirroring what you think they want to get validation (commitment to feel safe). Or the avoidant is trying to remain aloof, keep distance, and disconnect.
I read this book years ago but the way Maddie articulated it resonated in a way the book hadn’t. I don’t know how to engage in these complex dynamics without feeling depleted. If I remember the advice in the book correctly, it was to try to move away from people with either anxious or avoidant attachment styles and focus on connecting with secure people. But is that possible?
They define securely attached people here as those who are: “aware of and able to express their feelings.”
I don’t currently know that many fully “securely attached" individuals. But I sure do know a lot of anxious and avoidants, who are wonderful, even if our dynamics feel complex at times. In dating or romantic situations, there’s the option to break up when an anxious-to-avoidant dynamic isn’t suitable. However, there are other situational relationships you can’t as easily walk away from or you don’t want to--ie. bosses, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, or even friends.
One of the beautiful parts of friendship is that by nature it is undefined. At best, that means it’s uncomplicated, fun, and low-stakes. This type of relationship is greatly needed in a world where we are bogged down with financial and logistical stresses--where we only have the capacity for camaraderie that is easy. But at worst, friendship’s unbounded nature can make it difficult for the still-healing anxious- or avoidant- attached among us. That’s how people can feel excluded or uncared for on the anxious side or suffocated and overwhelmed on the avoidant side. It’s challenging, complex, and nuanced.
Working on a friendship takes mental energy that both people have to want to give to it. It requires a tough conversation here, an awkward moment there, an apology when we forget the last conversation, etc… all emotional labor that many reserve for romantic relationships. So when it gets complicated, most friends walk away…
But what if we stayed…and worked through it…and committed.
… I’ve been wrestling with what it’s like to stay in complex relationships. I talked with Megan Tan about this in this week’s episode. We spoke about committing more fully when you’re feeling unsure--it will help you make your decision.
I have to interact with people with all attachment styles and therefore I need to find a way to not be distracted by the mental ticker tape of obsessively contemplating three questions while I, an anxiously attached person, am talking to an avoidant.
The questions usually distracting me while talking to someone I’ve put high on a pedestal:
-what do they think of me?
-what do I want them to think of me?
-what am I worried they think of me?
Maddie is the one who articulated those three questions, which still come up even with strangers, but I’m actively able to turn the volume down on them and care less, if at all, while with certain other people the volume on these questions rises so loud I’m unable to hear the conversation I’m in.
How can I manage my emotions in dynamics where I notice my attachment style surfacing? How can I see these as opportunities showing me where I need to grow? Or ask why when uncomfortable feelings arise?
For me this is learning to tolerate a broader spectrum of uncertainty. This means being okay not knowing how someone feels about me, if it is forever, or when it will end, or if it is real. And in that unknowing show up as myself authentically, without validation or commitment, or signs of reciprocal feelings. They're likely not thinking about me and if they are, I can't control how I will be perceived, regardless of how hard I try--so I might as well stop trying. And the sooner I can stop trying the sooner I can relax, and a relaxed person is an attractive person.
While I understand this on an intellectual level, embodying it is difficult. Especially during the emotional dip the week before my period starts. And have to remind myself actively, only I can make myself feel included. It’s not the text from a friend, it’s not the attention from someone I’ve put on a pedestal, it’s not how I feel about my outfit that day, or my body size, or my bank account balance, or who follows me on an app on my phone and who does not… it’s none of those things.
It’s internally accepting that I’m accepted--simple, not easy.
What helps me to do this is to build up my own confidence by making myself proud from little things I do. And this requires self-management. For instance, today I am proud that I went on a walk even though it was hot, did my stretching workout early even though I wanted to put it off, that I’m writing this, that I sent an email I was nervous to send, etc.
The more I control what I can…(self-discipline, making progress on tasks I’ve been avoiding)… and let go of what I can’t control (what people think of me) the easier I’m able to navigate uncertainty in interpersonal dynamics. I can ride them like a wave because I’m strong like a surfer rather than getting pummeled because I’m weak.
If you have the answer to never again feel self-conscious after an interaction, let me know. What I’ve found is that it will come and go just like the tides.
After listening back to hundreds of my conversations while editing the podcast, I’ve heard what it sounds like when I’m speaking from an ego place; I hear when I say something I know was my attempt to be liked by showing that I knew someone or something. The joy of editing, unlike live unrecorded conversations, is I am able to cut it out.
All of this has made me revisit a chapter from a book I’ve loved and returned to for years, The Four Agreements, where the first one is: “Be impeccable with your word.”
It is the first and most important because words are powerful. I agree but I’m curious what the author would say about times our nerves cause our words to get jumbled? Or when little speeches we practice in our minds go haywire? Or we don’t have the opportunity to say them at all? I imagine they’d say something wise about trusting timing and advise us to forgive ourselves quickly when words don't come out as we hoped.
In the end, the goal is to develop self-management skills which will increase self-esteem which, in turn, helps us show up authentically in all dynamics--thus becoming securely attached.
If you relate to any of this, I'd love to know. It's come up again and again with my creative clinic folks and my friends lately. My role in both friendship and in the clinic sessions often to create a context in which the other person can see themselves more confidently. I help them see themselves more more how I see them. This is difficult to do for ourselves and why I believe we need each other. When we're feeling down it's better to outsource how we feel about ourselves to someone who cares about us.
Love,
Katie
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