Hi, friend.

 

I’ve been trying to write this email for two weeks, which doesn’t make a lot of sense; it’s not like it’s a presidential speech to the nation. I’m just a person, trying to write about being a person, to a bunch of other people, in a way that makes sense. 

 

Anyway, in the spirit of defeating perfectionism, I decided to stop trying to wrestle this into something good and just let it be something. 

 

First: a giant thank you to everyone who took the time to answer the survey I sent out last month. It was so helpful as I begin feeling into the next phase of my work. I appreciate you! 

Self-portrait with public bathroom lock as metaphor, 2022.

 

RIGHT NOW, there are five post-it notes stuck in different places around my house that all say STOP THINKING.

 

As far back as I can remember, my identity was anchored in my intelligence, my ability to think. Growing up, one of our most-repeated family stories was about how I’d taught myself to read when I was two. With relative ease, I was able to strategize and ideate and build and figure out, in ways that were rewarded by the people around me and by our culture at large. Being good at thinking kept me safe, because if I could be extraordinary, I would surely be loved. (Right?)

 

My body, on the other hand, felt all wrong. As much as possible, I existed from the neck up. It was like I’d sequestered myself upstairs in a two-story house with my books and art supplies; who even knew what was happening on the first floor? Not me! At best, I saw my body as a large, awkward appendage to my head. 

 

At worst, my body was a liability. It came with decades of chronic, severe back pain. Lymphoma. Mysterious autoimmune disorders. An infinite amount of money and time spent on doctors and chiropractors and acupuncturists and healers with no answers. My body was boys, then men, who wanted to keep me a secret. Quietly studying the same case of necklaces for twenty minutes while my friends tried on clothes I didn’t fit into. A woman’s voice from a passing car while I crossed the street on my way to a party: “You’re too big for that dress!” Turning around and going home, crumpling under the weight of shame.

 

My attitude was this: thinking solves problems; my body IS a problem. 

 

Over thirty-odd years, I trained myself to navigate around the needs and limitations of my physical form, like a boulder inconveniently placed in the middle of my kitchen. But mostly, I ignored my body as much as I could, dismissed it as a source of pain, and used my mind harder.

 

And then, in 2017, I hit a massive wall of burnout and my exhausted body said no more, like a dog on a leash lying down on the sidewalk and refusing to take one more step. That was the beginning of learning to stop thinking. 

Credit to the brilliant Ani DiFranco for her song lyric, “Any tool is a weapon if you hold it right.” 

My current thoughts about thinking (meta!):

 

Our minds, and the thoughts in them, are shaped by a lifetime of conditioning by the culture we live in. By “culture,” I mean everything outside of ourselves: the culture at large, the families we grew up in, our relationships, all the influences that have modified our brains’ original factory settings. 

(I recommend Martha Beck’s book The Way of Integrity for more on the concept of culture vs. what she calls the essential self; this is also where I found the above definition of “culture.”)

 

The problem I’ve come up against over and over when leaning on “logical thinking” to make life decisions is this: Our minds’ assessment of whether something is a good or bad option is primarily predicated on what our (deeply sick) culture has taught us to value and/or desire. Achievement. Money. The act of being agreeable or likable. But as piles of research show, none of these external things actually lead to happiness. 

 

I have come to believe that the intelligence of my body – which I’m using interchangeably here with spirit, and intuition; inner knowing – is deeper and more honest than the intelligence of my mind, because my mind is too easily influenced by “should” and “supposed to.” 

 

I’ve said yes to countless things and people and situations because they made a lot of sense on paper, while ignoring my body’s quiet “no,” because I was unable to justify the “no” with mental logic. Every time I do this, even with the best of intentions, I’ve ended up in some combination of resentment, burnout, depression, and overwhelm, because I was out of alignment. 

 

Intuition defies pro/con lists, and that’s the point: pros and cons are mostly measurable against external factors that don't reflect our true desires. 

 

If you’ve been reading this newsletter or following me on IG, you know I’m in a place of personal transition. I’m no longer That Greeting Card Lady, but I’m not yet something else, or at least anything that makes sense on LinkedIn. It’s tempting, when we're in a not-knowing space, to reach for old tools. Mine are: what “should” I do? How can I think my way out of this? 

 

The STOP THINKING sticky notes around my house help me remember to ask my body what it wants, and pay attention to the answer. Much of the time, lately, it says “no” when my mind is saying “yes,” and vice versa. I have committed to letting my body drive until further notice, which is super hard for me and yet, feels like a relief. 

 

If you have certain things in common with 2017 Me, you might be wondering exactly what it looks like to pay attention to the body, or to connect with intuition. (I had no freaking clue – truly.) 

 

I’ll write about this in the next issue, because this email is already too long. Stay tuned!

 

READING: Nora McInerny’s new book Bad Vibes Only is out on October 11th, and you should preorder it. Just trust me. The 11th is next week anyway! Nora hates all the same things you hate; she's just like all of us, but way funnier. While reading my advance copy, I alternated between laughing out loud and being jealous that I didn't write it.

 

A note: I cannot overstate the importance of book preorders these days. Now that everything is an algorithm, preorder volume is what bookstores and publishers and Amazon use as an indicator of how popular a book will be, and therefore how much effort they will put into selling and promoting it, which also dictates whether the author will be able to get future books published. If you’re excited about a book, or you want to support an author, the best thing you can do is preorder. Seriously. This is why all the authors you follow start asking you to order their new books six months in advance. 

 

ATTENDING: Nora also hosts the beloved podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, and after a 2-year pandemic hiatus, their live show is back on tour this month. I first saw it live in 2019, and I bought tickets to this tour the instant they went on sale. You don’t need to be a podcast listener to love the live show – it’s its own totally self-contained experience. The New York Times called it a “gift” and they were right;  it’s hilarious and sad and sweet and beautifully produced, which is what I want all my gifts to be. If you’re going to the Portland, OR show on the 10th, I’ll see you there.

 

SUPPORTING: Global Empowerment Mission is an organization I trust that’s working with local teams and orgs on the ground in Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Florida, and Pakistan to provide disaster aid where it’s most needed in the wake of September's hurricanes and floods. Their global HQ is in South Florida, so they were uniquely positioned to begin disaster response on day 1 post-Hurricane Ian. To learn more and donate, go here.

 

As always, thanks for reading, and thanks for being here.