Dear First name / friend
When I landed on my word of the year, ‘Brave’, it was because I felt I had big dreams and potential and I didn't want insecurity or imposter syndrome to stand in my way. I thought that 'brave' would push me through being afraid to take on new things, or the fear that I wasn't good enough or strong enough to take on what I wanted. And that's not untrue: there's just another side to brave I didn't see before.
The last few weeks has taught me - slowly, surely, until I landed on my lightbulb moment - that brave also means being brave enough to step back. I'd been looking at the pink post-it on my mirror ('BRAVE') for weeks without recognising that the brave thing to do wasn't going to keep pushing, but paring back. I realise now it takes much greater bravery to do less than to do more; I didn't know this when I picked my word of the year, but as it goes in this life, the lesson was there waiting for me.
To listen to that inner voice requires a humbling of the ego and a bowing down to the wisdom of our bodily intuition. I realised that saying no requires a far greater act of courage than saying yes to big ideas and new adventures. It takes bravery to sit in your own conviction, listen to your own wisdom, and not take on others' opinions as your own.
To this end, I'm being brave in looking at my life head on: I'm finding everything far too much at the moment (and I'm putting it in bold so I can't shy away). To keep ploughing forwards and ignoring that truth would be turning a blind eye to it. The brave thing to do is say: hey, this is too much and I need to make some changes. I wish I could do it all and that's the struggle: accepting that I can't do it all.
In this last six months before I qualify as a GP there's a lot to get done and the work is ramping up. It's taking me a lot self-conviction to say that I'm probably going to press pause on the yoga classes for February (I also didn't want to put that in bold, but I'm leaning in) just while I figure out how to best use my time.
However brave a face your GP puts on when you see them, please don't forget that they're human too. It's really hard to take on 25+ people's problems each day, trying to find that balance between being there for them in a safe space and protecting ourselves from emotional exhaustion. I've not quite found that balance.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the marathon; I don't know if I'm going to have to drop some hours at work just to regain a little headspace. I don't know if pausing the yoga classes for a month is going to be enough, but it's a start.
What I do know, however, is that the current state of things isn't sustainable and, if I'm brave enough, I hear all the things my body and mind are trying to tell me and make a change.
Mindful tip: I think, without asking anyone else, you know what you need. If you're anything like me, you ask your friends and family to validate your experiences and to suggest changes; you get their advice about how to proceed. But I think if you really listen in, you don't need any of that: you already know what you need to do. So, I extend that bravery towards you and ask you to give yourself what you need and sit strong in your inner pool of wisdom.
