I listened to Adam Grant's podcast Rethinking with Dr. Becky Kennedy on parenting and LOVED it. A couple things really stuck with me: one was the conversation around short term markers, and the other was around questions we ask our kids.
There were two short term markers that Dr. Becky brought up. The first was the tendency to make our kids feel short term happiness, which can come at the detriment to their long term success. So for example, if my kid wasn't invited to a party, I may throw them their own party, or take them out for ice cream just so they don't feel sad. These types of things may be giving our kid momentary happiness, Dr. Becky argues, but all it's done is reduce their tolerance for distress. So the next time they're disappointed with something (stakes could be higher, like not getting into the college they wanted) they're going to be like, where is my immediate fix? Because all their life they've learned that as soon as they're disappointed, they've received immediate satisfaction or happiness.
The other short term marker was around things like time outs and sticker charts. So for example, telling our kids if they do their chores, they will get a treat at the end of the week. Or if they get good grades, they'll get to go to their favorite restaurant. Or if they're not listening, to go to their room. But the problem with these short term markers, Dr. Becky argues, is that they end up leaving the house when they're an adult and they're like what do I know about internal motivation?
Both short term markers were thought provoking and valid points, but I wished she had shared an alternative.
Moving on to the questions we ask our kids, Dr. Becky says, “our questions to our kids are some of the most powerful interventions.” I loved what Adam, the host, said he and his wife do with their children. He wanted the fact that they care about kindness and generosity to come through to their kids. However, all the reports they got back from their kids' school were centered around achievement--like what grades they got on a test. So once a week at the dinner table they decided to ask their kids, “who did you help this week?” They noticed that their kids started to look for opportunities to be helpful just so they had a chance to share something that week at the dinner table. Loved this!
The point isn't to get a profound answer, but it's to get them thinking about the question. Soon they'll start to pay attention to the type of questions you're asking them, and then one day your kid may see someone being bullied at school and they will hear a question in their mind, “who did you help today?” They went on to discuss that it's the same thing with gratitude. Instead of asking your kids what they're grateful for, Dr Becky said she'll ask her kids things like, “I wonder how we got this food on this table? I wonder how that happened? I wonder if other families have this type of variety?” Asking these questions makes your kids start to wonder too. Loved this so much.
