Dear First name / Friend,
This month I was trying to come up with some creative topic to share with you in the Coaching Corner. But after debating it for a while, I realized that would be inauthentic.
Last Wednesday, my dog Lucy passed away. She was diagnosed with Kidney Disease in January and her symptoms had taken a turn for the worse earlier in the week.
This resulted in a three-hour drive home from the mountains for an emergency vet visit in Denver. After getting Lucy's blood work back, the vet told me I'd need to put her down right away. I texted my husband, who was in the air and about to land in San Francisco for a work trip.
Ben never made it to his conference. He got back on a plane, arrived in Denver, and crawled into bed with me at 2:00 am. Eight hours later, we greeted a vet from Caring Pathways at our front door.
Lucy passed away on September 13, almost 13 years to the day that her adoption was finalized in 2010.
. . .
As I sit here and write you this note, I am at peace with Lucy's passing - and I am heartbroken. I'm fully embracing the power of the “and" by navigating my relief and sadness day by day.
My experience with Lucy has taught me a lot about grief in a short amount of time. As you may know, grief is a topic I'm passionate about because most humans (myself included) are bad at it.
I believe that understanding and embracing grief is one of the best ways we can heal ourselves and this world.
Like other critical life skills - i.e. emotional intelligence, financial literacy, sexual wellness, or conflict management - most people aren't taught about grief in school, at home, or at work.
As a result, we don't know how to deal with our own grief, and we aren't equipped to support others effectively when they are struggling.
Instead, we're encouraged to dodge our feelings, put a smile on our face, and say things like: “look at the bright side,” or “it will all be okay.”
This makes me sad (and angry at times). I will continue bringing the seemingly uncomfortable and awkward topic of grief to the table for as long as I can. And it happens that the passing of Lucy affords me with a unique opportunity to do so.
Here are three things my dog has taught me about grief:
1 - There is a big difference between dodging grief and embracing grief with healthy distractions.
Two days after putting Lucy down, I had one of my biggest client engagements of the year. I called the CEO of the organization earlier in the week to share what was going on. He couldn't have been more compassionate, and said he would support whatever was the best path forward for me.
On Thursday morning, I realized that while I was still grieving, it would be healthy for me to get out of the house and be around people, doing the work I love.
So I showed up on Friday morning with bells on. I had the best day and the retreat went awesome. I came home feeling more joyful, less depressed, and more aligned with my values.
Had I cancelled the retreat to stay home, drink wine, and binge Netflix, that would have been “okay” - but it may not have helped me move through my grief.
Going to the retreat was not dodging my grief - it was something I did while I embraced it. And through my experience I realized how strong and resilient of a woman I am.
2 - When people are grieving, meet them exactly where they are at.
This one has been a beautiful reminder. I've been fortunate to have many people reach out to me with kind words surrounding Lucy's passing. And I've appreciated every gesture.
But the sentiments that have helped me get through the pain haven't been the “bright side” narratives. They've been the following:
“I am so sorry.”
“This sucks.”
“My heart breaks for you.”
“Lucy was your best friend. I can't imagine how hard this is for you.”
“I'm going to check in with you in three days to see how you're doing.”
The other day I came across an Instagram post that validated my experience so well:
