Hey First name / friend!
If you tuned in to my last email, then you know our theme is attachment styles!
But if you missed it and want to read about my confession to being a member of the
Anxious Attachment Club, and what that means,
click here.
This week, we’re moving on to discuss the avoidant attachment style.
While you might think a master’s degree in psychology and years of seeing clients would make me knowledgeable in this department, it’s really my dating life that has given me the most insight to this mysterious type. 🤭
FYI: The anxious disposition is a magnet for the avoidant.
At first glance, the avoidant might look like anyone else on the quest for true love.
Their often charismatic personality ensues excitement for the relationship, enabling them to jump in feet first. They can show love through acts of service, kindness, and wanting to fix whatever issue the anxious might be experiencing - as long as it has nothing to do with them.
Avoidants are appropriately named because they avoid conflict.
I mean, sure, who doesn’t avoid conflict, but for them, that's only the beginning. They avoid conflict, emotional intimacy and genuine commitment. 😬
But why would someone who enthusiastically connects with others want to do that? Well, it's as simple as any other attachment style: their parents.
As a child, if conflict resulted in the silent treatment, emotional or physical abuse, feeling misunderstood, humiliated, shamed or judged, then why would you ever risk being in trouble again?
So your Inner Child does everything in their power to steer clear of that feeling.
You avoid this by exploding in anger and shifting the blame. You might walk out in the middle of a conversation or simply break up. Or you might pretend nothing is wrong and just go along with whatever the other person says.
Out of all the tactics to choose from, the best is to avoid feelings altogether.
Because feelings only lead to disappointment.
The deep love and care you felt as a child for your caregivers was tainted by trauma and led to too much hurt, so you brilliantly protected yourself by shutting the feelings valve off.
You became self-sufficient, a lone-wolf, unaffected by pesky emotions.
The ironic part about Anxious and Avoidant getting together, is they are both just as scared of abandonment as the other, they just deal with it differently.
They don’t want to recreate the pain of their needs being neglected, so they keep their cards close and running shoes on, convinced they're better off alone anyway.
This fear of abandonment can become a self-fulling prophecy for the avoidant, just as easily as it can for the anxious. Too much emotional distance can cause detrimental breaks in the relationship.
So here are a few ideas for creating security inside yourself and with a partner.
- Become aware of your tendencies. Notice when and where they happen.
- Are you holding back and not speaking up?
- Are you shutting down during difficult conversations?
- Are you picturing life on your own without anyone bothering you?
Once these patterns are noticed, the antidote, like most things, is to self-soothe.
- Communicate you need space in a healthy way, sharing that you’ll be back to discuss the topic.
- Take some deep breaths.
- Try talking to the scared little one inside. Practice saying, “It’s ok. I’ve got you, Little Me. It’s not your job to deal with this situation.”
- You can use a feelings chart (here) to identify what emotions you’re feeling, then write in a journal before engaging in a conversation.
These building blocks help maintain autonomy while remaining connected.
Lastly, here’s another resource. It’s called the
Attachment Project. They’ve added
Disorganized to their list of attachment styles, so you can take their quiz to see where you land. Also, they have workbooks and workshops on how to help your attachment style become more
secure.
Tune in next time as we explore the last attachment style, the unicorn, secure type!
