Dear First name / One,

 

Was that January the longest ever or was it just me?!  Even though I did escape the last week of it by hot-footing it to the other side of the world, with the news and social media everywhere, it was hard to escape the clusterfuck of humanity on show globally right now…  

 

However, Japan has so far been extraordinary, including the lovely opportunity to meet up in Tokyo with a childless colleague, the Japanese psychologist and coach Dr. Megumi Fieldsend. We first met in London over a decade ago when she reached out to me for support in finding participants for her PhD study on childlessness, and in 2019 we shared a stage at the Barbican for a ‘Fertility Fest’ event organised by ‘arts & adventure activist' Jessica Hepburn, so it was lovely to see her in person again. (The amazing childless women I get to know around the world because of my work is such a joy!) Despite Japan having the largest current cohort of non-mothers in the world (around 28%), and with an estimated 42% of women born in 2005 unlikely to have children, it's a topic around which there is very little support, including for the huge issue of involuntary singleness leading to unchosen childlessness.

 

Japan reminds me of my adopted home of Ireland in that way – a modern country yet one with a deep conditioning around keeping personal matters private - even if it hurts like hell. In Ireland, there are deep historical and traumatic reasons for this, which I'm slowly understanding as I peel the onion of my ignorance on all things Irish (even though I'm half Irish) due to my English education, conditioning and upbringing. Recently, I've been part of a reading group called ‘The Women of Ireland’ hosted by Irish academic Belinda Vigors, and I highly recommend her just published and excellent book Threatening Women: A Cultural History of Why Ireland Shamed and Contained Women if you'd like to go deeper. 

 

Thank you to all of you who took up my offer of 50% off a paid subscription to my Gateway Elderwomen project in January, where I'm exploring the challenges and adventures of ‘elderhood without motherhood’. Whatever your age or whatever stage you're at with your childless recovery, hopefully we'll all get to be childless old ladies, and working out how to do that for ourselves, and how to support each other, is something I'm deeply invested in. This month, before I left home I completed a document I've been stalling on for a couple of years, which is my ‘Bus List’ - the document for the executors of my will that tells them everything they'd need to know if I ‘went under a bus’ tomorrow. In my essay The Bus List, I unpack this, and also share the challenges of writing a will when you're childless (both practical and emotional) and some suggestions as to how to get through them. If you are one of the 50-75% of people who don't have a will (and if you think you don't need one because you don't ‘have anything to leave’), please do read it, and the almost 100 brilliant and helpful comments from readers. (It's free to read and comment; you just need a free Substack account to do so). 

 

Right now, I'm busy studying for the final couple of months of my Work That Reconnects facilitator training whilst also working on the final draft of my novel (10 years now!) as well as moving hotels/countries regularly… so I've got my hands full on this ‘sabbatical’ of mine. Right now I'm in Thailand, taking a break from the unseasonably cold winter snap that's landed on Japan, and will be heading back there in a couple of weeks for a rural road trip. Tokyo and Kyoto have been amazing and, apart from the food (as a vegetarian/non-fish eater it's a challenge!) it's been a delight. 

 

And if you're wondering what the little foxes are in the picture at top right, they are ‘kistunes', and sit as protectors at the entrance to Japanese Shinto Inari shrines. These ones were photographed at the Fushimi Inari temple complex in Kyoto. They're also incredibly cute, and the ones with stone balls or sticks in their mouths remind me of Parsnip, who is much missed. (See last month's newsletter if you missed that news.)

 

This month's newsletter is shorter than usual, but I hope it's still supportive to you as you rebuild your life after the devastation of childlessness. It's not easy, and my best advice to help you do so is empathetic company. So, if you're not yet a member of our private online community, the ‘Childless Collective’, do check it out. I host the ‘Childless Elderwomen’ group there, and there are many other groups and topics to explore, including being a childless solo or part of a childless couple, among many other instersectionalities. 

[ABOVE] We are a talented bunch! This wonderful live performance of a song about childlessness was sent to me by the French writer/performer, Stéphanie Doe. She said that it had been inspired by my work, and I'm deeply honoured. Do have a listen and leave her a comment on YouTube :)

The Reignite Weekend is the transformational healing weekend that I created in 2012 (and ran personally 50+ times!) in many different countries. It now continues with my team of licensed facilitators in the UK (London/Edinburgh) and Australia (Melbourne). We also have two online Reignite Weekends offered in the French language coming up, one each in EU/NorthAmerican timezones. The testimonials continue to show that this weekend often marks a ‘before’ and ‘after’ moment in the trajectory of childless women's lives.