Hi! Last year when I stopped knowing where to begin writing, I started making lists. That format was more approachable than formulating a cohesive essay. Several months ago I vaguely related the items on a list to: overwhelm, and before that participation, and I now see the two go hand in hand.
Below is my current experience of overwhelm, followed by a list of recommendations, plus links to what I read, listened to, and watched this month. Hopefully you find something in here is useful, interesting, or entertaining.
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Lately, it feels like I keep getting to the end of a day feeling disappointed in myself.
Around dusk, I start pushing non-time-sensitive tasks to the following day, which feels like a relief but only temporarily so.
Displacing items is not completing them. Completion brings satisfaction, creating a momentum I find essential to sustaining a solo pursuit. And the more behind I get the more difficult it is to get my head above water. The work feels like a growing scary monster, rather than an old friend I can easily pick up right where we left off when we meet again.
All I can do now is chip away at the pile and unpack how it got so massive, in hopes to prevent it from happening yet again.
The solution is still revealing itself but it includes figuring out a strategy for better keeping commitments to myself while also keeping commitments to others. I don't want to live in a vacuum without distractions, invitations, or spontaneity. I want to discover a middle ground where I make progress more days than I disappoint myself.
I now see perpetual overwhelm as a choice I'm making to remain in my default setting which is fullness. It's a zone I'm comfortable in because, although unpleasant, it is known. I do want to change it, but as with all deep patterns this will require patience.
I'm still in process with it but here a few ideas that have helped so far:
1. Starting - Ethan Hawke said in an interview, “When I’m not sure what to do, the answer to me usually is to just work a little harder and see where it kicks in.” I believe this is because working harder requires starting to work and starting is where I'm often tripped up.
Intimidated by the length of a to-do list or the amount of unread messages, I often will get a snack, another coffee, clean my apartment again, go on a walk, get another snack. But if I begin one task I get a hit of dopamine, which creates momentum to keep checking items off my list. As Norma Kamali said on the podcast last year, “The more you do the more you can do.”
2. Get into it or get out of it- When I don't have time to do everything, it can be helpful to quickly decide to do nothing. Either surrender to the day being social or restful or begin work immediately. Buffering in indecision on where to begin leaves us in what Madeleine Dore, author of “I Didn't Do The Thing Today”, calls getting stuck in “infinite browsing mode”. On the podcast last year, she compared this to “wandering the hallways but never entering a room.” ***My default setting is to expend significant mental energy on general relationship management, anxiety, and communication. I love social connection and require it for well-being, however, if I'm using up a significant part of my mental capacity considering where I stand with people, little is left for creative output.
Therefore the next 3 recs are for freeing up some of that mental energy:
3. Defining relationships for yourself- In relationships that are undefined, my brain questions what is a valid connection and what is merely a situational or out-of-sight, out-of-mind surface relationship, a.k.a., acquaintance. Both are great but contemplating which bucket one falls into is a waste of limited mental energy.
All friendships remain undefined, meaning there's no point at which you know you are in fact shifting from an acquaintanceship to a real friendship with someone, whereas romantic relationships are undefined only until the point at which you define them. So therefore we each must define what makes a person a friend rather than an acquaintance.
I'm unpacking when I consider someone a friend. Is it having their number in your phone? Is it hanging out more than once? Is it following them on IG and them following you back?
While I know Instagram is just a silly app on our phones, it is one of many places we can connect. I don't place all my value in it but I realize there is some. If I meet someone at a party and we follow each other on Instagram to stay in touch, we then enter into a specific room of each other's lives, the part we want to show to others. I may never see them physically again but in 5 years an image of their baby, wedding, or what they ate on Christmas could appear on my phone. And vice versa, they to me, until we decide to press a button to remove that digital connection with each other.
I saw someone in my feed I swore I did not know. I clicked on the photo and remembered we'd worked together briefly 7 years ago. I could have unfollowed him then but I didn't; seeing his wife and baby was pleasant. Bizarrely this app was reminded me that someone existed, so an application on my phone impacted my memory. So therefore perhaps Instagram defines a friendship?
Alternatively, is a person I see locally who doesn't follow me on instagram not a friend? Of course that"s not true, however if we both moved away without Instagram we would gradually forget each other. Or perhaps one person would remember but the other forgets because a relationship that is monumental for one party can be a forgettable blip for the other.
I ran into someone with whom my relationship was to me a big deal, and to him a blip. He made eye contact with me though I could see he didn't even recognize me. I sheepishly said hi, and with a blank expression he said, “oh wow hi yes right hi…” If we followed each other on a photo and video sharing app, would it make us more connected? Probably not, but it might jog the memory.
This is by no means an exhaustive take on connection and social media, it is simply to illustrate how considering where I stand within undefined or new relationships tends to pull my focus more easily than most distractions, and it is one I can no longer afford.
4. Writing down things to tell people- It is kinda embarrassing but I keep a list of questions for people in my life. I never look at it when we're together but will occasionally glance at it only to notice we covered most of it organically or it is no longer relevant. Writing it down keeps my brain from having to hold onto more.
It is nice that with established friendships, I can relax without a feeling of “having to get it all in now and end on a high note because you never know if you’ll see them again.” I don't have to tell someone everything I want to tell them instantly…I don't have to send them every link today because I can send it tomorrow.
5. (related) Writing down a list of questions for appointments- I began doing this for everything from a call about taxes to therapy to the obgyn to be thorough. It helps feel like appointments aren't a waste of time and I don't have to hold anything in my mind questions go to the list. My friend turned me onto this when he told me he always writes a list for his doctor. He even once made it an artful letter with sketches, as I wrote about here, his doctor is lucky.
6. No notifications on texts- In an effort to not be distracted by messages (even nice ones), I have a setting on my phone that makes it so I have to manually go in to check if I have texts or not, which is thrilling and creates two scenarios whenever I haven't checked for a chunk of time:
a. I return to a full inbox that needs responding to which feels intense. b. I return to nothing…crickets. Which, depending on my mood, is either a relief or unnerving. Either scenario is better than a constant alert of messages coming in while I’m attempting to do tasks.
Instead, I intentionally go into my texts when I'm capable of responding. I know this isn't possible for people who need to be notified for safety or emergencies, but since I don't have kids or a job with a boss who could need me via text, I am grateful I'm able to use texting as an at-my-leisure correspondence and know if there is an emergency I will be called. I friend of mine who texts with a prolific artist told me this artist also uses this system which validated this decision.
7. Physical & Mental Overwhelm- Simi left me a wise voice text on this topic which I transcribed for you: she said, “I do think that overwhelm can be a decision like you were saying, it can be where we are focusing and putting our attention on by putting the focus on all you have to do. There are usually some unrealistic expectations, so it's about releasing those and shifting my focus to the present moment. Or it can be this physical intense experience where it is more than is healthy for me to be handling at one time and there really is an imminent need for all of those things to be done. When it's not unrealistic expectations it is true, I have to notice I bit off more than I can chew and try to not do that again." This made me think a past self might create overwhelm to distract us from the present if it is uncomfortable or painful, or subconsciously even, similar to what I discussed in this list related to “distraction pain”--what do you think? 
