Hi, 2022 was bookended by a pair of unplanned tarot card readings: - On one of the first days of January, I sat in the secret patio of my coffee shop writing in my journal when a musician named Sam pulled up a chair. We'd been running into each other nearly daily that winter despite our inconsistent and odd coffee timing--so I wasn’t surprised to see him, but I was surprised when he asked if I wanted a tarot reading.
-On one of the last days of December, I stood in Topanga Canyon at my friends Lacy and Max’s annual Yuletide party. I’d worked on the east side that day so by the time I made it, Max informed me Lacy was inside sleeping and the mutual pals I’d hoped to see had left.
“Since you came all this way you should get the last tarot reading,” he said.
Minutes later, I sat in a tent across from a man named White Feather who dexterously laid out a spread of tarot cards and read me like a book.
But unlike Sam's gentle demeanor reading the cards, White Feather’s bedside manner was direct, harsh even. The eerie part was that information mirrored what Sam had read nearly a year before, just given in a firmer tone.
I’m not sure if I believe in tarot, in or astrology, or in myself… but I do believe in staying open to anything useful, and this was. The similarity between the two readings not only was bizarre, it highlighted a fact I hadn’t acknowledged: I’d remained stagnant. Apparently a tarot reading is a mirror of the current energy of the recipient, so therefore one's fate can change if one's energy shifts. (Phew.) I want the next impromptu tarot reading I stumble into to be different, so in an effort to change my future, I began examining my past, working backward to see how a year had gone by without me noticing. Was I having a nervous breakdown like Claire Danes here? A demise the likes of Lydia Tár? Or did I just need to go have a good scream at the beach? More professional help? Or simply, as my friend from high school Monica advised, “just one productive day?” Perhaps I had overcorrected my disciplined nature and the two tarot readings revealed that while softness had been the answer before, it no longer is. Gentleness was necessary after a big heartbreak, move, and disorienting pandemic, but I now need self-discipline and structure. Walter Benjamin said, “To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” It’s uncomfortable to be in the place where you have the self-awareness that everything you’ve been doing no longer works, but you haven’t made the necessary changes yet. I wished to return to the dissociative denial, resenting the readings. I couldn’t turn off awareness, so I went deeper into it, reflecting on what got me here. I see those are merely symptoms of an underlying deeper issue and that issue is: __________. (..still buffering) |
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I started writing this weeks ago, but I'm still figuring it out… I hope filling in that blank…will help me to get what I need: a win. As the least competitive person you know, I’m not after a championship, merely a boost. Boosts come from a plethora of sources, my favorite being outside success: an addictive sources whose fruits are sweet yet unpredictable. In my case these have been, a new podcast sponsor, a new published piece of writing, or even a new relationship. I realized I was reliant on these external boosts when they stopped. Without them, I lacked the momentum required to keep trying. In order to have the capacity to brainstorm fresh revenue streams to fund the podcast, discover opportunities, or meet new people I’ve had to define a boost internally as: completion. Finishing anything reminds me I am capable and provides momentum to do more. Unlike the intensity that comes from external successes, completion is a more subtle high. It is sustainable and controllable since finishing a task requires less luck, and more grit. Reflecting on 2022 filled me with disappointment in my lack of completion and misused energy. Instead of listing my wins, I listed regrets. In the midst of this discomfort and self-loathing I read a newsletter from Marlee Grace saying: |
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"How do we celebrate when there is nothing to show for? Where do we turn when “to show for” is our work and our work is our art but we have turned towards watering the plants and painting the kitchen and building the fire?
How do we fasten ourselves toward proving nothing to no one and sinking into the privacy of life? You don’t have to want to be here to stay, you don’t have to enjoy the darkest days, you don’t have to love the creative slump. But you do have to tell on yourself. That is how we stay, that is how we keep at the staying alive, if you so choose.” |
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When I read that in the midst of my examination of the past year, I questioned how we, in the words of Jonathan Lawson, measure a year? We live in a time that’s quantifying everything: how many steps did you walk? How many books did you read? If I look at it this way, I didn’t write a second book but I did walk a lot of steps. And if that’s the measuring stick I perhaps had a win?
The passage above from Marlee broadened my criteria of what a win is. The newsletter it was from came out after several suicides in the media and was about the importance of checking on people. The tragic deaths reminded me of the fragility of time and the chilling reality that, like years, people contain multitudes. We can be both smiling and suffering simultaneously. It’s only in the monotony of day-to-day togetherness where you see all angles. And to quote, yes, the Postal Service, "everything looks perfect from far away.” We choose what we share unless we unravel and lose the ability to self-curate. My ability to put on a good face despite feeling like garbage is unnerving. It’s a skill passed down to me by generations of women and it’s kept me alive within structures that aren’t built for our most raw emotive selves. Despite the name of this operation, this is not about to become a case for vulnerability or to “let it out”; in fact I think holding some in is often wise. Boundaries can prevent friction in relationships and social cues can keep us safe; I love both. However, when overdeveloped, they can also become walls blocking connection. The morning before I left New York, for a trip that turned into a cross-country move, I met one of my favorite writers, actresses, and guests of this show, Maddie Corman, for breakfast on the upper west side. She said a lot of wise one-liners between bites of eggs that I still recall, like “go where it’s warm” (which I took literally). The other was about intimacy: she said that she both desires it and fears it in equal measure. I would soon see for myself that I want to be seen for who I actually am, but fear the full spectrum version of myself will be rejected, or worse, misunderstood--therefore I hide. Ideally only the parts of me I deem unlovable. But I see now I can't conceal the parts I disown about myself without hiding most of myself. Attempting to change my tarot fate revealed these intricacies of my hiding, including these newsletters that morphed into recommendations lists. This newsletter has always been personal, centered around sharing my experience in somewhat real time, and I wrote lists so I didn't have to tell the truth, which is: I'm nervous… I am slow, and while taking the long way is cool, I cannot afford to be going at the glacial pace I am and contribute all I hope to. I kept a barrier up to you and even to my own self awareness, because I wasn’t ready to face this reality. Amidst actual atrocities occurring that have broken my heart this month, this is merely my (one month late) resolutions, which really boil down to one: stop “doing the same thing over again, expecting a different result.” And I share it with you because intimacy requires sharing, even the parts I don't want you to see. Or as Marlee suggested, “I'm telling on myself.”
And maybe you can do the same--you too may need to more self-discipline and less gentleness, or perhaps you're in a life phase where you need the reverse--only you can know. I will continue to share here how I'm making changes. So far my game plan is loose, but includes: doing things I don’t want to do, such as asking for help, saying no, saving money, leaving my comfort zone / neighborhood bubble, working hard, and working on believing good will come before seeing signs of it. Thank you for being here while I molt. When I emerge from my cocoon and stumble into my next impromptu reading my tarot cards will the cards have changed? Tune in, to find out… The podcast returns tomorrow from an unexpected hiatus… Until then… many links below with my thoughts on them. And a poem by David Whyte that is actually, the closest thing I have to a game plan. Your friend, Katie |
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LINKS LINKS links - Sam - who I mention in this, in addition to being a tarot card reader, happens to be an incredible musician. I saw him perform last weekend and was honestly kinda blown away. Here's a music video our friend and friend of the show Madelynn made a couple years ago.
- The Roaring of Things - on the background of tarot for making sense of ourselves,
"We do not fully understand ourselves, which is why it’s sometimes necessary to imagine our mental processes as a faraway country, or an iceberg, or a sea cucumber. Some kind of symbolic language that allows you to encounter the things that are clouded to you, or dredges up what you’d rather repress.” - Past podcast guest Dr. Samantha Boardman’s newsletter this week about the benefits of meeting new people, Bottom Line: make an effort with your current friends; also make an effort with potential new friends even if you don’t feel like it.
- Welcome to the Shoppy Shop - “The original influencers [are] the local store that has a shopkeeper with a great eye who really understands the pulse and the interest of their local consumer, and they curate unique products for that community.” If my thinking outside the box" turns me into an influencer…which it very well might… I hope it is this kind some day. Would you come to my shop? (Grub Street)
- The key to longevity is to “stay away from toxic people,” according to the world’s oldest person at 113. (The Guardian)
- Patty Smith on her friend - I cried, watch out you probably will too. But this line really stuck with me: “As I watched Tom play, I thought, Had I been a boy, I would’ve been him.”
I have felt that feeling of love, admiration, intrigue, familiarity--where someone is, to use Lacy's term, an expander. Where perhaps you want to be them, as much as or sometimes more than you even want to, or can, be with them. I think one of the best roles of the undefined relationship form that is friendship is to take on the task of keeping each other inspired. (The New Yorker) - On the bus with Pavement- This was a wild ride but an entertaining one. Particularly, “…now more silvery than he was in 1994 when Courtney Love called him “the Grace Kelly of rock” but retains a boyish, shitkicking quality about him. ”
(The Paris Review) - And this …just in…a robust list on etiquette….Maddie sent it to me minutes before I was about to press send on this …but I got sucked in to this true delight of read. I particularly loved #72 (click to read more of it) about “the follow up text.” A few of my friends are masters of this (hi Maddie, hi Captain, hi Soph). It means so much to me and she put into words why: “I don’t like leaving things to chance. I need to know how to proceed.” --this is classic, what I meant by "a gesture showing reciprocal feelings” I wrote about in this newsletter from last year about the friendship Catch 22, a big lesson I learned the hard way in 2022.
also, liked 132,133,134…
(NY Magazine)
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** IN PERSON…if you are in LA… mark your calendars (!!) workshop on Sunday February 19th in my neighborhood at the Pop Shop, would love to have you there. : ) ** __________________________ SHOP STORE SHOP STORE Using the codes helps so much, so below are all the active discount codes I have for you.
Please note these are all items I genuinely use love and recommend to people I love. Good news, I got codes for a few NEW items recently discovered (!!) including my new nightly drink, as well as new items from old favorites…
specific recs by me, for you…
(It supports the show and friends of the show, and might be fun, but honestly no pressure of course. Just glad you are here.) - CLOTHES -By far are made by my friend and friend of the show, Heidi. Her line is called: Ozma of California and I am lucky to have several pieces. Let me know if you have questions about size or anything; most recently I got a fresh Beanie in green! And am wearing this sweater with these pants as I am typing this. If you'd like to try anything the code is: katie15 for 15% off -APOTHECARY- Another friend and friend of this show, Kerrilynn Pamer, has a company called CAP Beauty. I got to do an event there when it was a physical store in NYC and it was a dream come true. She recently made me a link and code! CapBeauty code is: letitout -FOOD- Yet another friend and friend of this show, Divya, chef and founder of the Ayuravedic East Village restaurant Divya's Kitchen now makes the most incredible home cooking blends, and you guessed it: she made us a code. Divya's Kitchen code is: letitout -BODY AND SKIN CARE -Friend of the show Nadine Artemis has the brand Living Libations code is: LetItOut -EXERCISE - My really close friend and many time podcast guest Simi Botic (mentioned in this list last week in number 9) has an incredible body neutral home work out called: Unmeasured (safe for anyone in ED recovery) I love her because she is my close friend, you'll love her because when you do these workouts you'll feel like she is yours. -NIGHTCAP DRINK (COZY) - When I went home to Michigan in December, my mom had these powered lattes…I honestly rolled my eye privately, then she told me they were Oprah's favorite and honestly oddly that made my eyes internally roll more…until I remembered Oprah loves chai, so I gave it a go and whipped them up for my mom and I. WOAH this was honestly a bright spot of an otherwise dark cold trip, it was so good. I returned to LA and craved them. They don't have sugar or dairy and are made with oat milk powder, coconut, and herbs and honestly taste so good… I've had all of options , and genuinely like all of them except the coffee one, that one is gross, tastes very bad…(see I will always be honest with you) but love the Matcha, Chai, Mocha, and above all… this Sleepytime one is my favorite. I'd been looking for a drink to have at night when tea didn't really do it for me, and this does… code is Katie15 for 15% off And a few more rapid fire, if you have questions about any of them let me know--happy to tell you what I like most or would recommend from these: *** -Podcast equipment - recs here since it is a question I've been getting often lately and if you ever have any podcasting questions or have been thinking of starting one I made an online course several years ago, the tagline is: how to start of podcast without really trying. More on that workshop here. It was featured in Forbes…perhaps the last "win" I had at least before I redefined them. ** Lastly, I made a Shop for all of my recs that aren't above. it was fun to make and if you have any questions let me know! It includes shelves for skin care recs, shoes, body, hair care, + more. And it is incomplete, I will continually add to it so feel free to save the link. PS. if you are my friend that I owe an email, text, or call…and are reading this…it is coming you are on my mind…I haven't forgotten and I'm sorry it has taken me so long. I was a wee bit down but coming on up… talk soon and I love you. |
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I will leave you with a few lines from a newsletter called: Everything New, by Grief Bacon. It made me feel less alone last month, which I hope this did for at least one of the thousands of you this reaches. “The work of change, like the rest of the work of living, is rarely spectacular. Like love, the trick of it is not how to do it once, but how to make it consistent over time.” *** “The more difficult question asks how someone might stretch this kind of transformation out across long, dull days when no one is watching and no one applauds, not how to make something, but how to make something last.” ************
HOW IS THIS EMAIL IS STILL GOING? I keep saying I will leave you and ps yet there's more… THIS IS LIKE WHEN FRIENDS DROP ME OFF BUT I WEARILY LINGER IN THEIR CAR TALKING. AND YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I AM WEARILY WRITING THIS OKAY GETTING OUT NOW… ACTUAL FINAL, I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH….
a photo of the overly earnest journal page I was writing the day Sam walked up and read my tarot cards.
last PS. : ) I think he's still doing readings DM him if you want one tell him you're a friend. |
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Thank you again so much it means so much you read this, talk to you soon. |
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Top image: Michelangelo Antonioni Bottom one: “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind” |
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