A sex therapist was discussing her book on one of my favorite podcasts this week. I finished part I and quickly clicked on part II and almost ran into a tree on my walk I was so captivated. They talked about everything from how to communicate with your partner, what you need to feel connected, to stats like ¼ of couples haven't had sex in a year or that ⅓ of women experience pain during sex (like, WHAT?). It was such an honest and raw conversation, I found myself giggling, wondering WTF, and often was like, “OMG ME TOO.”
First off, the conversation about what sex looks like among the different hosts was fascinating to me. Abbey, one of the hosts, talked about how foreplay starts in the morning when her wife hands her a cup of coffee, signaling their first connection of the day--I have said almost the exact same thing to my husband and it was wild hearing it from someone else. Another host, Glennon, talked about how the stress of getting an orgasm felt like the equivalent of hustle culture, and all the women were laughing because it was such a relatable way of framing it.
They went on to talk about how most relationships have a dynamic where one person needs an emotional connection to get physical, while the other often needs the opposite. Vanessa, the therapist, said she has found that emotional connections do have to come first. And after talking with other couples, she realized that one partner can feel so disconnected emotionally that the idea of having sex didn't feel safe.
She went on to share that a lot of women in relationships felt like it was almost insulting to be intimate without an emotional connection, and they often felt like their spouse didn't care, and just used them as a “release.” On the flip side, a lot of men in these relationships said they didn't grow up to be socialized as emotional creatures, and explained that physical intimacy is the only time they're able to be vulnerable, let their walls down, and truly connect with their partner. (just as a side note, they discussed partners of all sexual orientations during these episodes, this just so happened to be a very specific example)
I had to cut so much from this newsletter because I was running out of space, but I had to share one other quote they shared from the therapist's book that made all the hosts pause: “If you're finding yourself saying no to sex a lot, maybe you're not saying no enough in other areas of your relationship.”
Definitely listen to the episodes if you found any of this interesting, there is so much I left out (seriously, SO MUCH). I'm totally buying the book by the way, but I'm dying to know your thoughts on everything I outlined above. I want to know what you related to, what you disagreed with, and what you'd add to the conversation.
